Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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