I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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