i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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