Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
