It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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