All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
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You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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