I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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