In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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