I feel great
I just peed on a car
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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