I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
