Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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