His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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