everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
