is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I currently don't understand fingers.
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