if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
