she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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