I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need to wash the frat house off of me
All I want is dick and wine.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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