omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
