I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
