just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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