She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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