I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
