How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
