Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
