I looked at my own cervix.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
