I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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