that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
be right there i have to get my cape
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
