It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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