I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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