I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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