imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
