I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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