I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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