well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
