I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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