Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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