Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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