she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
