Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
