I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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