he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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