Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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