and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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