MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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