Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Two words: blizzard sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
