My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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