No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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