Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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