I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
