i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
What drink are we having for lunch?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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