I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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