I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
