You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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