dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
