saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
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You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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