I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
