What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
