we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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